Sunday, 16 January 2011

While my body plays catch up my brain plays flashback!

Following the turning point of my demise a very dishy french doctor came to see me, he informed me that it seemed my lungs were working better, crikey was I relieved, I was afraid to ask but needed to know if any long term damage to my lungs was likely. He said I was expected to make a full recovery..... Yay! That really was all I wanted to hear. I told him so much, elaborating on how 2011 was supposed to be my year to get fit! That is when Mr French Doctor man got quite zerious.... "you must put all ideas like that aside, we are talking months not weeks until you are returned to pre illness fitness" (not that that was much of a peak, yes I can tie my own laces, paint my toe nails of a fashion and keep up a semblance of normality but in secret phew do I chuff!)

So back to my plan, this isnt the first time I have pledged to make changes, those of you who really know me, not just in the virtual sense, will know I have had many plans. Some get off the ground and result in partial progress, others pale away. This time is diffent, this is not about a short term goal to get into a smaller size for a wedding. Its not about being able to spend money I havent got on the fantasic array of cool clothes available in the standard sizes (12 - 18).

This is about having a mental plan to combat the mortal fear I get when I flashback to being in that ward, surrounded by people who for different reasons havent got an adequate body to keep them well and free from pain and suffering.

When I was sat there among them with my oxygen mask forcing air into my lungs, nebuliser opening up my cluttered airway, sweat dripping down my forehead and head lolling as I faught the urge to fall alseep. I saw the future for me and I didnt like it one bit.

My fear or hospitals had kept me away from them for a very long time, but I started to think that if I dont change, if I dont start to care about my body, I may well end up in one of those beds, with no dignity, no hope and lots to regret.

I did not want this post to be so negative but I guess it needed to be written down in front of me starkly so that I can read and re read my pledge.

I promise my next post will be full of talk of slow cookers, fruit and vegetables but for today I will spare a thought for some of those unfortunate souls and another for the sadly growing death toll of healthy people who have been taken from us this winter by Swine flu and Pneumonia.

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